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Don’t want to crack the egg and spoil the fetus…

BUT

I am working on this new podcast project idea. I’ve gotten two scripts done and I’m carving out a 5 episode story arc for what I hope will be a serial drama full of high strangeness and wonder.

I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing but, hell, that’s never stopped me before.

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A weird time for magical thinking

I have a horoscope app on my phone.

I use to consult it every morning after catching the bus to work to get an idea of what sort of day was ahead for me so I could get ready for it. It was a strange way of arming myself to do battle with the day.

I haven’t looked at it since the Covid 19 lockdown.

In February, before all the shit went down, I was feeling very low and I started consulting my tarot cards. Again, it’s a harmless psychological crutch. I don’t think my cards have any sort of magical divining powers; I use my cards in a purely Jungian vein. Taps into subconscious archetypes, helps me to see outside of my head. And, back then, I was in a whirlwind of despair, lost and lonely.

I haven’t even thought about flipping a card in months.

Isn’t that weird?

You would think that now, of all times, NOW is when I’d be consulting oracles and looking for some sort of supernatural signs.

But, I don’t feel any compulsion to do look for comfort in any kind of magical thinking tricks.

Where I do find comfort is turning off the TV, logging off from internet and going outside for a walk. The sky is blue, the trees are blooming, grass is thick and green. Birds are singing and squirrels are effortlessly leaping from tree to tree like trapeze artists. The air smells like honeysuckle. There is a cool edge to the wind to remind me that winter is not exactly done and to enjoy the warmth, sweetie and remember: weather can change on a dime in April.

When I stop doom scrolling and look outside, I am reminded that Life is all around us.

And, as long as there is Life there is Hope.

Maybe that’s why I don’t feel the need to throw the bones to scry what might be happening down the road.

Now, I feel still. I listen to the wind. And I am content to wait.

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Birthday in Quarantine

50 years ago today, my Mother brought home a baby.

I was nearly five years old and anxious to meet the sister my Mother had promised me was going to be my new friend. “You’ll play together and have so much fun!”

When I saw the tightly bound burrito my parents had brought home, I was instantly wary. This was going to be my new BFF?

She laid the bundle in the center of my Grandmother’s bed.

I sat down on the bed and it jiggled.

The baby let out an ear bleeding shriek and my parents, grandmother, aunt, and every other adult in the room yelled at me.

I remember rushing off to the bathroom, locking the door behind me, and having a quick think on the potty. I remember thinking these words very vividly:

Well, I guess I have to run away now.

It was a shaky start.

Although later in life, I did try to push her into the creek, told her Ex-Lax was chocolate candy and tricked her into eating dog treats, I’m glad to say that things got a lot better.

Since this year was going to be her 50th birthday, we decided to do something nice.

First, we made an appointment to spend a day at a spa. It was going to be a luxurious day getting scrubbed down, washed off, and doing all the things girly girls do.

Two days later, a tornado smashed the building down to the ground.

Well, shit.

So, we figured we’d do something else. Maybe she’d come over to my house, we’d have some dinner and do a Facebook Live thing. A special Nik and Brian Drinks A Thing with Melinda as a special guest.

That’s simple, right?

And then the whole world shut down.

And that’s where we are now. Quarantine Town.

But we didn’t let that stop us! NOPE! Melinda wanted a spa day and, BY GOD/GODDESS, SHE WAS GOING TO GET ONE!

I put together a spa day box. Complete with all the necessities that Covid has made so precious.

I asked her what kind of cake she’d like and she said she’d prefer a pie. A blueberry pie.

I’d never made one before but that is what Google is for, right?

I dropped the whole thing off at her house this afternoon.

That’s right. Screw you, Covid 19! We Nelson Girls GET SHIT DONE!

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New Levels of Stupid

Due to the Covid 19 Pandemic, going to see the doctor for a yearly checkup has a new twist: virtual checkups.

Unfortunately, getting blood work done is still very much pokey and hurty. I had to go to the lab, wearing a mask and gloves, roll up my shirt and let a stranger stab me with a hypodermic needle and drain out my precious blood.

For my checkup, my doctor wanted to do a Facebook Chat with me to go over my test results. And I thought, “That’s cool. I can do that. I chat on FB all day long. No problem.”

I sat by my computer and waited to be PINGED on my FB Chatbox.

And then my phone rang.

OH! A video chat! Cool!

I answered the phone. To accept the video chat.

AND PUT IT UP TO MY EAR!

For about five seconds, I could hear him talking to me….

AT MY EAR!

And then I realized….Oh yeah….VIDEO CHAT….and turned the phone to face him.

He said to me, “So…you feeling okay?”

SO….my bloodwork is the BEST it’s been in years. My weight is great (I was 163 when I first starting with him and now I’m at 152 lbs). He’s very proud of me.

Especially once I remembered how to VIDEO CHAT!

I’ll kick myself in the ass for the rest of the day.

Years from now, when I’m feeling pretty good about myself, my brain will bring it back up….”HEY, remember that time you forgot how to VIDEO CHAT?”

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Go home, 2020. You’re drunk.

My son works at a Big Grocery Store chain. Today he told me this story.

“Have you ever heard of a Brazilian Wandering Spider?” he said.

“No.”

“They are deadly as hell and, worst of all, they sometimes hitchhike in shipments of bananas.”

“Holy shit.”

“Big Grocery Store has a policy on what to do when we find one. They have to close the store for three days to fumigate. And guess what? When I was on vacation last week, they found one in my store.”*

“Holy shit!”

“But it was dead so they didn’t close the store. I guess they figured it didn’t have friends.”

“Jesus. That’s crazy.”

“But you know what I kept thinking? Because everything is so crazy now, can you imagine suiting up, putting on a mask, gloves and everything, to go to the store only to be told, “Sorry. The store is closed.” So you ask, ‘Why? The Covid Virus? Has someone gotten sick?’ And somebody in a hazmat suit says, ‘No, sir. Spiders.’

Because, frankly, Spiders make everything worse. Even in 2020.

*before you tell me this is an Urban Legend, he said they had pictures of the dead spider.