Author: Nikki Nelson-Hicks

A friendly wolf among sheep.

Birthday in Quarantine

Nikki Nelson-Hicks

50 years ago today, my Mother brought home a baby.

I was nearly five years old and anxious to meet the sister my Mother had promised me was going to be my new friend. “You’ll play together and have so much fun!”

When I saw the tightly bound burrito my parents had brought home, I was instantly wary. This was going to be my new BFF?

She laid the bundle in the center of my Grandmother’s bed.

I sat down on the bed and it jiggled.

The baby let out an ear bleeding shriek and my parents, grandmother, aunt, and every other adult in the room yelled at me.

I remember rushing off to the bathroom, locking the door behind me, and having a quick think on the potty. I remember thinking these words very vividly:

Well, I guess I have to run away now.

It was a shaky start.

  • I mean….how do you compete with that?

Although later in life, I did try to push her into the creek, told her Ex-Lax was chocolate candy and tricked her into eating dog treats, I’m glad to say that things got a lot better.

Since this year was going to be her 50th birthday, we decided to do something nice.

First, we made an appointment to spend a day at a spa. It was going to be a luxurious day getting scrubbed down, washed off, and doing all the things girly girls do.

Two days later, a tornado smashed the building down to the ground.

Well, shit.

So, we figured we’d do something else. Maybe she’d come over to my house, we’d have some dinner and do a Facebook Live thing. A special Nik and Brian Drinks A Thing with Melinda as a special guest.

That’s simple, right?

And then the whole world shut down.

And that’s where we are now. Quarantine Town.

But we didn’t let that stop us! NOPE! Melinda wanted a spa day and, BY GOD/GODDESS, SHE WAS GOING TO GET ONE!

I put together a spa day box. Complete with all the necessities that Covid has made so precious.

  • Yeah, baby. Angel Soft Toilet paper

I asked her what kind of cake she’d like and she said she’d prefer a pie. A blueberry pie.

I’d never made one before but that is what Google is for, right?

  • DONE!

I dropped the whole thing off at her house this afternoon.

That’s right. Screw you, Covid 19! We Nelson Girls GET SHIT DONE!

New Levels of Stupid

Nikki Nelson-Hicks

Due to the Covid 19 Pandemic, going to see the doctor for a yearly checkup has a new twist: virtual checkups.

Unfortunately, getting blood work done is still very much pokey and hurty. I had to go to the lab, wearing a mask and gloves, roll up my shirt and let a stranger stab me with a hypodermic needle and drain out my precious blood.

  • Old school vampirism, yo.

For my checkup, my doctor wanted to do a Facebook Chat with me to go over my test results. And I thought, “That’s cool. I can do that. I chat on FB all day long. No problem.”

I sat by my computer and waited to be PINGED on my FB Chatbox.

And then my phone rang.

OH! A video chat! Cool!

I answered the phone. To accept the video chat.

AND PUT IT UP TO MY EAR!

For about five seconds, I could hear him talking to me….

AT MY EAR!

And then I realized….Oh yeah….VIDEO CHAT….and turned the phone to face him.

He said to me, “So…you feeling okay?”

  • Other than being a moron?

SO….my bloodwork is the BEST it’s been in years. My weight is great (I was 163 when I first starting with him and now I’m at 152 lbs). He’s very proud of me.

Especially once I remembered how to VIDEO CHAT!

I’ll kick myself in the ass for the rest of the day.

Years from now, when I’m feeling pretty good about myself, my brain will bring it back up….”HEY, remember that time you forgot how to VIDEO CHAT?”

Go home, 2020. You’re drunk.

Nikki Nelson-Hicks

My son works at a Big Grocery Store chain. Today he told me this story.

“Have you ever heard of a Brazilian Wandering Spider?” he said.

“No.”

“They are deadly as hell and, worst of all, they sometimes hitchhike in shipments of bananas.”

“Holy shit.”

“Big Grocery Store has a policy on what to do when we find one. They have to close the store for three days to fumigate. And guess what? When I was on vacation last week, they found one in my store.”*

“Holy shit!”

“But it was dead so they didn’t close the store. I guess they figured it didn’t have friends.”

“Jesus. That’s crazy.”

“But you know what I kept thinking? Because everything is so crazy now, can you imagine suiting up, putting on a mask, gloves and everything, to go to the store only to be told, “Sorry. The store is closed.” So you ask, ‘Why? The Covid Virus? Has someone gotten sick?’ And somebody in a hazmat suit says, ‘No, sir. Spiders.’

Because, frankly, Spiders make everything worse. Even in 2020.

*before you tell me this is an Urban Legend, he said they had pictures of the dead spider.

What we do in the quarantine

Nikki Nelson-Hicks

Hello there!

So, my day job is trying to kill me. It’s rather hard for a bureaucracy that desperately wants to keep tethered to the 20th century to face facts that, bro, that shit don’t play no more.

Still, I make do. Instead of something as elegant as Adobe sign where one can electronically sign a contract, I have to download, print, scan the document to the person, who then signs it, scans the signature page back to me and then I scan the entire document to another person who needs to sign and, on and on.

I really hope I can get reimbursed for all the paper and ink my pathetic little $60 Canon printer is chugging through.

BUT there is good news.

One, I’m healthy. My family is healthy. We’re doing okay although the cats don’t seem all that happy that we’re here ALL THE DAMN TIME.

Plans for world domination are on hold

And, secondly, over the weekend, I collaborated with a friend, Rosalie Sandoz, to do an audio version of my story, The Five Stages of Sleep. We hope to eventually make it into an animated short.

I’d love to share it with you all but WordPress won’t allow me to post it as an MP3 EVEN THOUGH ALL THE MANUALS SAY THAT IT WILL!!

What the fuck, man?

Maybe….later. My brain just can’t take anymore crap today.